Everybody struggles

I always preface these kind of entries with the fact that I really don't like writing these kinds of entries, and the same goes for this one. I hesitate to be negative in a blog designed to celebrate the positive aspects of my life and the world. However, I feel as though I need to get some things off my chest. I already feel them eating away at me.

Now I can chalk everything I've been feeling in the past week or so to PMS, and that might be partially true, but most of this stuff is stuff I've been carrying with me through much of my adult life. It's the age old question...is this really what I want to be doing with my life? I'm a week away from the two month mark at my new job and I've already hit a wall. I'm no longer challenged and I'm growing resentful. I'm noticing how poorly certain things are handled. I'm also feeling very removed from my co-workers as I've been assigned a task that has nothing to do with what everyone else does here. I hear people chatting and working together on various projects and it makes me sad. The job I'm currently doing is slowly starting to remind me of my last one and that's scary.

So I'm at a loss. I know I have to keep plugging away because it's my job, my duty, and my responsibility. Due to my financial situation, I literally can't afford to be picky about my professional life. I guess I'm just struggling, which I know is normal. I mean, everybody struggles, it's a part of life. I think I'm simply looking for a little bit of hope and reassurance, that some day my life will be my own. That I can follow my dreams, pursue my passions, and not be held back by external circumstances. But that road has to start with me. There are a lot of bad decisions I continue to make again and again which only make things more difficult. I can't control a lot of what happens to me, but I can control my decisions.

I hope, more than anything, that I can find the right attitude and the wherewithal to keep on keepin' on. Just ignore all the bullshit and focus on my goals. When I think of my future and what I want to do it just seems so out of reach. But giving up will be my ultimate downfall. If I want to make it happen, it will happen. It will.